Monday 27 October 2014

BDSMonday - Predators

It's BDSMonday!

Since last week's post was so silly, I've got to balance it out with a more serious post (or something like that).

First, I want to say that, as a group, kinky people are just like other people--because we are other people! There are good people and bad people, people who are looking to screw you over, and people who are trying to hurt you in not good ways.

I believe that people sometimes get labeled 'predator' simply because they pissed someone off. That doesn't mean that predators don't exist in BDSM, and it doesn't mean that you should ignore someone being called a predator.

There are different kinds of BDSM predators. An unfortunately common one is someone who approaches every new person and sets themselves up as being the Wise Old Leather Master who will train them and teach them and turn them into a Twoo Submissive. Most of them are pretty harmless, if annoying, and they're pretty easy to spot. Remember--there is no 'right' way to BDSM...though there are wrong ways! If someone tries to convince you their way is the only way, especially if it goes against what your instincts or common sense are telling you, trust yourself. Just because they have 'years of experience as a ______' doesn't mean their opinion is any more valid or true than yours.

There is another kind of predator who can be extremely dangerous and potentially life threatening: people who are attracted to BDSM because they genuinely want to hurt/maim/kill other people. To me, sadism and masochism often go hand in hand--the sadist wants to hurt, the masochist wants to be hurt, everybody's consenting and goes home happy. There are people out there for whom that is not the case. They aren't looking to please anyone but themselves. I don't truly consider these people into BDSM, but that's how they're usually portrayed in the media and they have given BDSM a lot of dark baggage to overcome for the public.

If someone you know approaches you and tells you to look out for Mac because they've heard he's done some nonconsensual things with past play partners, be careful. I'm not saying write Mac off completely or base your opinion of him on hearsay, but where there's smoke, there's usually at least an ember.

If you get a bad feeling about someone--listen to that feeling! BDSM relies heavily on trust, and if something feels 'off' about someone you've met, there's probably a reason for it. They might not be any sort of danger, but chances are they're not right for you to play with. Ask other people in your community who know that person. Ask people who have played with that person before, if possible. Get as many angles and opinions as possible, but please don't ignore your gut feeling.

There are also predators in BDSM fiction. Sometimes they're obviously predators, but sometimes they're set up as the love interest or main character. Some forms of BDSM predation can be sexy--IN FICTION--but I find it pretty rare that I don't just go 'ew' and drop the book. Have you read any BDSM fiction that just seemed more like abuse or predation? What was your reaction to it? 

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