Monday 21 July 2014

BDSMonday - Negotiation

It's BDSMonday!

Today's topic is negotiation.

Okay--you've found someone you want to play with. Now what?

I know I've mentioned them before, but I can't recommend BDSM checklists highly enough. They're a great way to quickly and easily compare your kinks with your potential playpartner(s)'. (I also recommend them for keeping track of your own BDSM journey. I'm always surprised, when I look back at old ones, how many things I marked as "No" or "Not interested" are now some of my favourites!)

Ask questions. Lots of 'em. It doesn't matter if you plan on topping or bottoming, you want to know as much about your partner as possible. There are many factors that aren't directly related to BDSM that might influence a scene--has your partner been through a traumatic experience that could be triggered by something that might routinely happen as part of a scene? Do they have any old injuries that could be affected? Are there certain spots on their body they don't like to be touched?

Set your safeword(s). The 'default' ones are red, yellow, and green. Green means everything's okay, keep going. Yellow means pause, and red means STOP. You can decide on your own, either for all your BDSM needs, or for the specific partner you're negotiating with. It's a good idea to make it a word that stands out and you're not likely to use during a scene (mine is 'squirrel'.) There are alternatives to spoken safewords, but that's a whole other topic!

There's also nothing wrong with negotiating once you've started a scene. You may have decided you're going to do spanking and bondage, but halfway through one of you might decide you want to add caning, as well. Pause the scene, and ask your partner(s) if it's okay to add an activity. If it is, off you go! If not, you can discuss it later, and maybe try it during another play session.

You can also make the scene shorter. Maybe you really don't feel like wax play after your spanking. Let your partner know. You can always try it another time!

I decided it was high time for the Vanilla Corner to have its own graphic, so...ta da!

Today's Vanilla Corner question: When reading BDSM fiction, do you like the author to include a negotiation scene? How much detail do you like to see?

(Because my little safety hat is always within arms' reach, I like to at least mention that negotiation happened, but I also think writing too much detail could get a little boring for readers.)

Any negotiation questions or tips you'd like to add?


If you have an idea for BDSMonday, please feel free to message me, or email: tq.strange (at)

I'd love to hear from you!

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