Monday 12 May 2014

BDSMonday - M ≠ S, S ≠ D

It's BDSMonday!

Today's thought is about roles in BDSM.

First, and please bear with me for a moment if you already know this, BDSM doesn't just stand for four things. It actually stands for six: Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; Sadism and Masochism. (I mention this only because I've seen a number of print books only mentioning four. They were written from a vanilla perspective, about sexuality, but c'mon! Just Google "BDSM"!)

A lot of people believe--some of them very adamantly!--that, if you're a masochist, you're also automatically  submissive. And if you're a sadist, you're automatically Dominant. It's so ingrained that I catch myself thinking it quite often. Now, I do happen to be a submissive masochist, so that's what most of my characters are, because that's the role I know best. My wife, however, is a sadist but not a Dominant. She's Dominant to me, but most of our play is S/M rather than D/s.

Some of the scariest sadists I've ever met were subs.

There are no universal combos of B, D, S and M. It's not a McDonald's. You can be into just one role, or all of them, or any number that makes you happy. Don't let anyone else tell you your role, not even if they're older/more experienced/an author/a prominent person in the community/your partner. The only person who gets to decide your role is you. And believe me, there are a lot of people out there who want to tell you what you are or what you should be. Don't let them.

I'm not saying that you should never listen to others. Not at all. Experience is valuable, and it doesn't hurt (okay no that's a total lie, it can hurt. But in a good way ;) ) to learn from people who've been doing something longer than you, especially when it comes to safety. But there's a big difference between, "Have you tried spanking like this?" and, "You're a sub? Oh, you must love nipple clamps!"

Have you experienced someone trying to tell you your role? Did you listen to them because they "knew better", or were you able to tell them to kindly fuck off?


If you're interested in doing a guest post for BDSMonday, please let me know! You can comment, or email me: tq.strange (at)

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