Saturday 26 April 2014

A-Z Challenge: W is for What Do Bottoms Get Out Of It?

Facebook does, occasionally, help productivity.

I was really, really struggling to come up with a W, mostly because I leave tomorrow morning (or, when you read this, a few days ago) and I was running out of time.

All I could think was 'walrus' and that was just silly. I tried to find a gif from the American Dad episode where Stan and Steve act like walruses, and then I got distracted by a site with American Dad gifs. I found one of my favourites, but there weren't any apostrophes and it bothered me. I Googled the quote to see if I could find a different gif  (No :( ) but a bunch of sites about whether it was okay to be gay and Christian came up, so I had to check that out (according to the top one, yes). And there was another site about how gay the movie Frozen is. I haven't seen the movie, but I thought, hey, if it's like ultra-pissing-people-off gay, I'll check it out (No :( ) Aaaaaand then I took a break on Facebook and the rest is this post.

Someone had mentioned some of their vanilla friends wondering what, exactly, a bottom (slave/sub/etc) got out of a BDSM arrangement, and it's not the first time I've heard that question asked.

This, of course, is entirely my opinion and may not be true. But...I feel that the 'what do subs get out of it' attitude stems from the belief that all bottoms are women and all Tops (Doms/Mistresses/etc) are men. So what people are really asking is still the Victorian question, "Why would women want sex?" Sex and BDSM are for the Top/man to enjoy, and for the bottom/woman to lie there and take.

And hooooooooo boy are they wrong!

For one thing, you'd think the sheer bottom to Top ratio (in most places I've seen, bottoms seem to  greatly outnumber the Tops) would clue them in that, gee, maybe it's an equal, adult relationship where each party has needs and expectations to be met...but they probably don't know enough about BDSM to know the demographics. Which is fine. I try not to talk about things I know nothing about, but I still do from time to time.

I think, really, the main reason this question bothers me is that I find the attitude of absolute, one-sided enjoyment very...creepy. A relationship where one person is always taking and the other is always giving isn't healthy. I'm sure that sort of arrangement could work for some people, if one half of the couple (or however many) is into BDSM and the other isn't but wants to accommodate their partner's needs...but thinking that all BDSM is completely Top-oriented and inflicted on bottoms...Yeeegh.

Personally, there are times when, after a scene, I've asked my wife if it was good for her, and I can't believe how well our play fulfilled both of our needs. I am not a passive whipping post. I am not a ripe pair of buttocks awaiting the next teeth-gritting spanking. I ask for play. I encourage play. I instigate play.

Have you guys come across this attitude? How have you responded? (Luckily I've never had to respond in person...or that person would probably be sporting a few extra orifices.)

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