BDSMonday - Primal Play

It's BDSMonday!

(For me, it's actually still Sunday, but I work all day tomorrow so I'm queueing this post...shhh!)

Today's topic is a new one for me; thanks, Google!

I was looking for potential future topics, and primal play caught my eye. I'd never heard the term before, but it makes sense to me, and it seems like a term that applies to me and my Sir. Some of my favourite scenes have been very hands-on and physical, with lots of tumbling and wrestling and laughing. Both my Sir and I know who's going to win--she's much larger than me, and I find it more fun to lose. I love being having my hair pulled, being wildly bitten and scratched and pinned down, and there don't need to be words.

To me, primal play is different than pet/animal play. Pet play is a much more direct and obvious animal/human dynamic--(most of the time) the human is in charge, doing what the human wants. Primal play is a subtler form of power play, and I think it's a great way to explore a relationship.

Does primal play resonate for you, too? Have you all heard the term and I've just been living under a rock?

Vanilla Corner: Have you read a primal play scene? Is that something you would be interested in reading about? (Or, of course, trying :D)

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If you have a topic to suggest for BDSMonday, or if you would like to do a guest post, please

It drives me crazy...

...when a TV show or movie sequel replaces an actor but gives no explanation as to why the character suddenly looks completely different! 

Example: Evie in the third Mummy movie, Daisy in the Dead Like Me movie. 

I'm not a complete idiot! I can tell when I'm looking at a different person!

At least in The Matrix, when they replaced the Oracle's actress, there was an explanation! (Also, I make exceptions for actors dying). 

Campus Cravings M/M Bundle Cover Reveal!

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Annabeth Albert: Winning Bracket 

Cassandra Carr: The Eloquent Jock

Dalton Diaz: Lesson Learned

Mia Downing: Switching Leads

Whitley Gray: Artistic Endeavor

Bianca Sommerland: Solid Education

KyAnn Waters: Private Lessons

LA Witt: Did Somebody Order a Pizza?

Sara York: The Dust Of Everyday Life

The Campus Cravings male/male bundle will release on August 25th!

Add Campus Cravings to your Goodreads to-be-read-list here: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22738703-campus-cravings

BDSMonday - Negotiation

It's BDSMonday!

Today's topic is negotiation.

Okay--you've found someone you want to play with. Now what?

I know I've mentioned them before, but I can't recommend BDSM checklists highly enough. They're a great way to quickly and easily compare your kinks with your potential playpartner(s)'. (I also recommend them for keeping track of your own BDSM journey. I'm always surprised, when I look back at old ones, how many things I marked as "No" or "Not interested" are now some of my favourites!)

Ask questions. Lots of 'em. It doesn't matter if you plan on topping or bottoming, you want to know as much about your partner as possible. There are many factors that aren't directly related to BDSM that might influence a scene--has your partner been through a traumatic experience that could be triggered by something that might routinely happen as part of a scene? Do they have any old injuries that could be affected? Are there certain spots on their body they don't like to be touched?

Set your safeword(s). The 'default' ones are red, yellow, and green. Green means everything's okay, keep going. Yellow means pause, and red means STOP. You can decide on your own, either for all your BDSM needs, or for the specific partner you're negotiating with. It's a good idea to make it a word that stands out and you're not likely to use during a scene (mine is 'squirrel'.) There are alternatives to spoken safewords, but that's a whole other topic!

There's also nothing wrong with negotiating once you've started a scene. You may have decided you're going to do spanking and bondage, but halfway through one of you might decide you want to add caning, as well. Pause the scene, and ask your partner(s) if it's okay to add an activity. If it is, off you go! If not, you can discuss it later, and maybe try it during another play session.

You can also make the scene shorter. Maybe you really don't feel like wax play after your spanking. Let your partner know. You can always try it another time!

I decided it was high time for the Vanilla Corner to have its own graphic, so...ta da!

Today's Vanilla Corner question: When reading BDSM fiction, do you like the author to include a negotiation scene? How much detail do you like to see?

(Because my little safety hat is always within arms' reach, I like to at least mention that negotiation happened, but I also think writing too much detail could get a little boring for readers.)

Any negotiation questions or tips you'd like to add?

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If you have an idea for BDSMonday, please feel free to message me, or email: tq.strange (at) gmail.com

I'd love to hear from you!

BDSMonday - "Coming Out"

It's BDSMonday! (And my fifth wedding anniversary)

Tying in with my anniversary just a little, today's topic is coming out of the...toy box? Flogger? (Okay that one doesn't really make sense, but c'mon. It's a funny image--someone stepping out of the falls like a vehicle going through a car wash or something).

Anyway. Telling people who are important in your life that you're kinky.

If you are 'out', I'd love to hear how it went. If you're not, hopefully some of the stories people share will help you if/when you decide to let people know about that aspect of yourself.

For myself, I am completely 'out' with my wife. I came into the relationship ( ;) ) having been in a previous kinky relationship, and knowing I wanted BDSM in a new one. My wife had no experience with kink, though it turned out that a lot of her fantasies had a decidedly kinky/sadistic bent. Neither of us remembers exactly how I 'outed' myself to her, but we briefly broke up because she was worried that our relationship couldn't be an equal one if I was submissive. Obviously we worked that out, and we've explored our kinky sides with a freedom I couldn't possibly have imagined before meeting her.

Actually, I don't remember how I 'outed' myself to my last ex, either...though I'm sure written roleplay was involved. *heh* Yessss...my character wants to be tied up and flogged. Oh, you're okay with that? Well, how about if we act that scene out?

As I said, I don't remember if that's exactly how I broke the kinky ice, but I'm sure it was something along those lines, both with my wife and my ex. It seems to me that either reading or writing a kinky scene together is a good way to introduce the subject and test the kinky water (I'm sticking with my theme, okay?) Reading a kinky scene as foreplay is a good, safe way to gauge your partner's interest--if they jump you, chances are good their fantasies line up pretty well with yours. You could ask them to select something to read that they find kinky, so you can trade. From there, you could ask to act out one or both of the scenes. I've found roleplay is a good place to start--if the scene doesn't go well, you put those characters aside and don't play with them again. Both you and your partner know you were just acting, so it's easier to let go of any negative emotions that may come up. It's a fantasy, with clearly defined limits.

And if it does go well...have fun!

I'm not out at work, though several people either suspect or know indirectly. My mother-in-law kept 'finding' our toys when we lived with my in-laws, but I have no idea what she thinks about that. My sister knows, but that's about the only family member I'm comfortable discussing my kinky side with. I don't have kids, so I don't have to worry about them finding out/telling them. Some of my friends know (I met some of them through BDSM).

How about you guys? If you are 'out', how did it go? If you're not, how do you suspect the people in your life would react? Go!

Lessons From the Horse World

Since getting my horse a little more than four years ago, I've had a number of people with more experience (I will be the first to admit that I am not terribly experienced) give me advice about horses.

And, in the end, every single one of them has turned out to be completely full of (excuse me, I had to) horse shit.

The people I bought her from were neglectful and often downright abusive when they actually interacted with their horses. Which was rare.

My former farrier kicked and frightened my horse to the point that she would hardly let me handle her feet/legs.

A sometimes-coworker talked about all his horse training experience. He and I helped another coworker move his daughter's horses. Every time he tried to load one in a trailer, there was rearing and all sorts of fireworks. I finally took one of the horses to a quieter area and just hung out with her until she was relaxed. She didn't magically hop into the trailer, I'm not claiming a mystical connection or anything...but she didn't rear once and she did load for me. I have loaded exactly one other horse in my life, so I really had no idea what I was doing.

All of those people made me feel shitty and insecure about what I knew and felt about horses...and then proved to me, repeatedly, that they were talking out their asses. As soon as they got frustrated, they got violent. They proved, over and over, that all of their skill with horses came down to force.

I'm not saying I don't get frustrated with my horse sometimes (and LOL does she get frustrated with me when I'm not communicating clearly, poor girl!), but I know myself well enough to know when it's time to walk away and take a break. I usually end up laughing at myself.

All of the most genuine horse people I've met don't ever say what excellent horse people they are. (This post is not me claiming to be one! I am very new and I have a lot to learn. I'm just lucky enough to have an amazingly patient and understanding horse to learn from. She makes me look good, trust me!) They might mention things they've accomplished in the horse world, but they have never outright told me they're more experienced, intentionally made me feel shitty or insecure, or talked down to me. Yes, they've offered suggestions or different approaches. They've been firm (with me and my horse) when they have to, but they have done it gently and respectfully.

And this is something I really want to carry over into the rest of my life. I want to remember that if someone claims over and over to be Captain Amazing at something, and they make me feel bad about my own lack of experience or skill...chances are they're full of shit. It's just sitting there, waiting to emerge (ew).

I tend to be very hard on myself, and other people (and at least one horse) always have more confidence in my abilities than I do, even when I've proven to myself over and over that I am capable. Slowly, I'm learning that the people (and horses) who believe in me are right, and the people who make me doubt myself are wrong.

Also, of the three people I mentioned, my horse met two of them. And she made it plain she didn't like either of them, and I wish I'd listened to her sooner.

For reading this whole post you get a picture of my baby as a baby. I believe this was taken the day she was born (August 30th, 2009)

Texts From a Broken Phone

The middle of my wife's cellphone touch screen crapped out the other day, so she (and I, when I'm replying for her) have had to come up with entertaining work-arounds for the missing letters (T, Y, F, G, C, V, an space). Here are some of them:

Sounds swell.See.u.morning (That one was from me. I was pretty proud of coming up with 'swell', because I couldn't use any of the usual "good" words that start with 'F' or 'P')

Key board broken.no write properly

Is ok.no so busy next day

My personal favourite--

    Me: My grandparents want to take us out for food on our anniversary

    Wife: Oooon

             Opoo

             Oooo

             (I have no idea what she meant and neither did she because she fell asleep right after sending me those texts. She may in fact have been asleep when she sent them). 

Coworker: Would you be able to come back for a bit? 

   Wife: Es.need me question mark

Apparently those missing letters mark the difference between modern humans and cavemen. Who know? (And that was a typo but I left it because it's funny)

My Biggest Regret

When I was in grade eleven, I did a big project on the history of marriage. I thought about using the mahwidge clip from The Princess Bride, but I chickened out. It is one of my biggest regrets in life so far. 

Horsey Times!

I went to see my horse today!

I hadn't seen her in like a month, and she galloped over when she heard/saw me <3

Her coat looked amazing (until I gave her a spray-down with the hose and she rolled in the sand in an effort to keep the bugs down). And there were so many bugs! I just followed her around the whole time, swatting bugs, leaving a trail of horsefly carcasses in my wake, trying to give her some (relatively) bug-free grazing time.

It really is a testament to how good-natured horses are--if I were covered in bugs all day, every day, for months, I would be homicidal.

Percy Jackson

I finally gave in and watched Sea of Monsters last night, because I was tired of Netflix-surfing. 

I really enjoy the books (though I have an amazing capacity to forget what each book is about as soon as I've read it) but I hated The Lightning Thief (movie version). It took a bold leap (and boredom) to try the second movie, but I'm glad I did. 

My wife and I both screamed when Nathan Fillion had his aside to the audience. I had to go back and make sure I had just seen that!

BDSMonday - Three Questions

It's BDSMonday!

Today, I thought it would be nice to share experiences. If there's something you've always wanted to try but never gotten the chance, you can get an idea of what to expect from others in the BDSMonday-sphere.

If there's something you've never tried because it seems frightening, you can have your fears assuaged (or reinforced!) by someone who has done that activity. So, what is...

Something you haven't gotten to try

Something you're scared to try

Something that was a letdown

For me, I haven't gotten to try suspension, I'm scared to try flesh hooks, and fireplay was a letdown (at least the kind with the sticks and the alcohol-soaked cotton. To me it just felt like being licked by a dog. To be fair, it was during a demo, not a scene, so I wasn't really in the zone).

Vanilla Corner: Is there a BDSM activity you've fantasized about trying? Which part of BDSM scares you the most? Have you tried a fantasy and had it not live up to your expectations? 

Random Fact Time!

I feel like sharing a Random Fact about myself.

My pupils are different sizes.

I was blissfully unaware of this fact, until my first girlfriend's mother pointed it out. And told me that, because I hadn't suffered recent head trauma, I probably had a brain tumor so I should get it checked out.

I was thoroughly freaked out from that moment until I could get an ophthalmologist appointment.

They anesthetized my eyes, and I highly don't recommend it. I could feel my eyelids opening and closing over my eyes and it was a really weird sensation. Bleh. Then they blew air in my eyes.

Then the ophthalmologist ran a whole bunch of tests...and then told me that about 25% of people naturally have differently-sized pupils. Ya couldn't have told me that from the beginning??? This couldn't be public knowledge?!

He was like, yeah, it's probably nothing. Let's dilate your pupils for shits and giggles (otherwise known as being cautious, but I was pretty fed up by that time). Getting your pupils dilated is not much fun, but not nearly as bad as the eye anesthesia.

At least I live in Canada so the experience was free. If I'd had to pay for it, I'd have billed my ex's mom.



I would love to hear a Random Fact about you!

Underrated Writing Skill

I'm rereading the Bounty Hunter Wars trilogy by K. W. Jeter. I just started book two, and I noticed something--he's excellent at mentioning relevant events from the first book, for those who might not have read it, without long "previously on..." sections that are tedious to people following the series in order. (I'm looking at you Laurel K. Hamilton, with your literal copy-and-paste flashbacks).

I've never come across any advice on how to tackle this situation, or really read anything about it, but I think getting the right balance of 'enough to catch people up' and 'not boring' is tricky. I know that I, as a reader, appreciate when it's done well. As I (hopefully, eventually!) start to have sequels, I hope I'll be able to write those sections well.