Monday 10 November 2014

BDSMonday - Guest Post by M. Strange - Coming Out As Kinky

It's BDSMonday! (Last week? Obviously last week never happened, or there would have been a BDSMonday post. *heh*)

Today I have guest post number two from my Sir, and she's talking about how and when to come out as kinky. I've touched on this subject before, but I think it's an important one and it's good to get as many perspectives about it as possible.

So, without further ado:

Coming out as Kinky

M. Strange

Let me first start with a disclaimer. You don’t ‘come out’ as kinky in the same way as you come out as queer. If you’re queer, it’s likely to come up every once in a while in public. Introducing someone to your same sex partner is a great way to come out without actually making an awkward announcement about your sexual orientation.

Coming out as kinky is different, because it’s not about who you’re in a relationship with, it’s about how your relationship works. This is really a TMI for people like parents, coworkers and people you just met.
Hopefully your parents will want to meet your partner and get to know them, but that doesn’t mean they want to know that you like to spank your partner’s ass, or that you like being called ‘Your Highness’ while your partner licks your feet. That is pretty much the definition of TMI.

So, the only people you should be telling about your kinks are:

1)      People you want to have a kinky relationship with

2)      That’s it

3)      No, really

Telling people who don’t want to know about your sex life that you love having your ass slapped is sexual harassment. Don’t share that. Even if your kinky relationship doesn’t involve sex, it’s still private.
As for how to come out as kinky… that is a much harder question to answer. T. was the one who initiated that conversation between us.

My advice for people who aren’t sure how to tell their partners they’d like to be kinky is this: Start small, share fantasies, communicate, keep an open mind and have fun.

When you and your partner are in the mood for some fun, ask if they want to try something new. That’s great! Just don’t jump straight to hanging weights off their nipples! Start with something tame. This is a good idea for when you’re new to anything, but especially if you’re introducing someone to something they might be unsure of. Don’t just go out and buy lots of BDSM toys, either (trust us—we have a TON of toys we used once). Try lots of things first. Try gentle spanking, try leaving hickeys, try some really light bondage, delve into role playing.

Asking your partner about their fantasies and sharing your own is a great way to find out what kinks you’re both into and how far you want to go with them. You and your partner might be into a bit of role play and bondage, but they winced when you brought up tickling.  Now you know where to start and where to stop.
When you’re first starting out, communication can be as simple as telling your partner ‘I’ve always had this fantasy…’ Without it, they’re never going to know about your fetish for having your ears nibbled. Even after they know what you’re into, no one’s perfect. If that last nibble was too hard, tell them. If you preferred they didn’t poke you in the eye next time, let them know. This goes in reverse too. If you’re not sure your partner’s enjoying having their hair pulled anymore, don’t be afraid to stop and ask. Sometimes it can be hard to stop and let someone know that it isn’t working for you anymore, but it’s worth it. Without communication, how will you really know they love having clothespins attached to their tongue?

Another part of communication –especially while doing role playing—is having a safe word. Not everyone uses a safe word, but if part of your fantasies involve one of you saying no or stop when they don’t mean it, then you need one. Your partner might say ‘no’ and you think they really mean yes, but if they say ‘pumpernickel!’ you know they’re not having a good time anymore.

Being open minded doesn’t just mean you should think about pinching your partner’s butt because they love it. It also means being understanding if your partner says they don’t want anything to do with butt pinching.  Be open minded enough to assume that everyone has their preferences and yours won’t mesh 100% of the time. Asking for consent once and having it given is great. 

Asking for consent 70 times and then finally getting an ‘okay, fine’ is not consent.*

So I hope it goes over well when you tell your partner you love it when they don’t allow you on the furniture. Just don’t tell your coworkers about your great weekend.

*Emphasis by T. 

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